Member-only story
The Long, Long Reach of Gaslighting
Will I ever be able to trust myself implicitly?
Back in my dating days, I had a relationship with a man who put me on a pedestal. That was marvelous, at first; I’d been starved for that kind of attention for a number of years before I met him. I wholeheartedly welcomed his adoration, his delight in taking care of me.
Outside of that intense, passionate relationship, my life was pretty challenging at that point. I was in the process of blowing up everything — career, a lengthy marriage—leaving family and friends behind to move out of my home state and start over. These were all things that needed to happen, and I wasn’t then and am not now sorry about any of it, but I’d be lying if I said it was easy.
So it was great to be taken care of. And not just by him: he had a huge community of friends and admirers and fans and lovers. They all welcomed me into the fold, helping me with so many things, introducing me to the nuances of polyamory, making me feel like I had finally found a community where I belonged.
I let my guard down. In the face of all this warm, loving affection, it felt really good — it felt crucial — to become vulnerable. To trust, to show the weakness and uncertainty I was feeling.
